October 08, 2022

We’ve all gotta eat. We all LOVE to eat.

But when you have a long beard, sometimes that love gets tested. Because some foods inevitably end up smeared all through your beard and mustache. It’s ugly, it’s sticky, it’s stinky! It can wreck the health of your facial hair and it makes you look plain careless or like you’re keeping some leftovers to enjoy later. It’s no wonder they call a stache a flavor saver.

So what do you do? Must you avoid some of your favorite foods altogether?

Not so fast…

You don’t need to give up any of the foods or drinks you love. We’ll show you several tips and techniques to help you eat with a long beard and still look pristine and debonaire.

Challenging Foods to Eat with a Long Beard

Let’s identify your key enemies first. Then we’ll discuss battle strategies.

  • ANYTHING WITH BBQ SAUCE - When you have a long beard and thick mustache, BBQ sauce can be your nemesis. It’s one thing for your fingers to get sticky and messy, but your facial hair is another matter. And napkins alone just won’t clean it off.
  • NOODLES AND LONG PASTA - Those long strands get laden with sloppy sauce and flop around all over your beard before you can suck them into your mouth. 
  • ICE CREAM - To eat an ice cream cone, you have no choice but to put it right up to your mouth. After a couple of licks, your whiskers are covered in enough to make you feel like a toddler with their first cone. 
  • CORN ON THE COB - Buttered corn is bad enough… you end up rubbing your beard on the corn as much as the butter. But the challenge level skyrockets when the cob has added cheese, sour cream, mayo, etc. We won’t even mention the pain of accidentally biting your own mustache. Ouch!
  • DIPS - Even just a few chips with dip can paint all around your mouth, especially if you’re watching a movie or at a party and have your attention on other things. 
  • WINGS - Eating with a long beard can sure put a damper on Super Bowl Sunday. How can you go without wings? The sauce is so goooooood, but such a pain too. 
  • POWDERED DONUTS - Delicious, aren’t they? But one bite and you look like you dipped your face in a bag of flour. 
  • BAGELS AND CREAM CHEESE - Damn that delicious cream cheese! There seems to be no way to keep facial hair out of it.
  • THANKSGIVING FOODS - Literally everything has sauce or gravy on it, which means your long beard gets pretty saucy too.
  • TOAST - Even this most basic of breakfast foods is tough to eat with a long beard. Crumbs get everywhere and brushing them away takes time. 

Okay, time for some tips to help you eat all these foods and avoid the Disaster of the Delectables. 

1. Consider Using Utensils for Snacks and Appies

Even some traditional finger foods can be cut and hoisted on a fork or spoon for neater delivery past your whiskers. Who cares if anybody stares at you doing it? They’ll stare a lot more at food smeared through your beard.

2. Don’t Overload Your Utensils

This is for the heapers. As much as we all love our nosh, we don’t need to stack a spoon or fork sky-high for every mouthful. Overloading utensils makes eating with a beard more difficult.

Take moderate or small portions to give yourself a better chance of shoveling it in without touching the sides. 

3. Always Keep a Wet Nap Handy

When there’s no way of avoiding the mess, carry wet naps.

Wetnaps are waaay more effective than simple napkins at cleaning away food debris and residue. Napkins usually just smear stuff around without doing any cleaning work.

Wipe with the grains of your facial hairs away from your mouth. 

4. A Better Use For a Napkin

Eating at home? Wrap a napkin in a cone shape around your chin beard and clipe/tie it in place. That should help keep some of the mess from touching your whiskers.

Cloth is better than paper. Plus this is one time when size matters. Go big or go home.

5. Carry Your Phone and a Brush

If you’re eating with a big beard, along with your wet naps, carry your phone and a beard brush.

Wait, phone…?! Yep, that’s what we said. Use the front camera to inspect your beard. You’ll be able to see the mess for cleaning up and with the brush you’ll be able to remove knots, brush away crumbs, plus style your beard back to its desired shape.

If you don’t want to use your phone, there's no shame in carrying a pocket mirror.

6. Use your Hand - in a Different Way

When you eat with a long beard and bushy mustache, use your forefinger and thumb to spread and flatten out your mustache away from the center before bringing food to your mouth. Or you could use them to lift your mustache upwards away from your mouth. Whichever works.

7. Reposition Your Jaw and Lips

As you’re about to take a mouthful, try gently pressing your chin/jaw forwards and curl out your bottom lip so it acts a bit like a cup. Just don’t press hard with your jaw. Gentle is the way.

Otherwise, try gently doing a little overbite where your chin retracts a little. As you open your mouth, you may be able to move food up and in without snagging your stache.

8. A Straw is Your New Best Friend

Seriously. The most rugged of bearded legends use straws for drinking almost everything. Why? Because it’s smart. 

If you remember as a kid having a milk mustache, you’ll understand just how easily any liquid will get on your upper lip, let alone a real mustache. So, when downing a beverage, avoid wiping altogether by drinking through a straw.

9. Tie Up your Beard

Still got a problem with your long beard touching your plate and food?

First, kudos and mad respect to you for having such an AWESOME beard that’s long enough to do that!

Second, with a small loop of elastic, you can bundle your beard into a ponytail to control it.

Third, with a larger loop of elastic, you can go around your neck and tie your beard back towards your chest. Just keep the loop loose so as not to strangle yourself.

If you don’t have anything to make a ponytail, then stuff your long beard down your shirt while you eat. It’s better than nothing!

10. Keep Your Mustache Waxed 

A little waxy protection goes a long way to preserving your macho mo. Hairs styled/curled away from your mouth are less likely to touch food that’s going in. When you think about it, this makes a lot of sense, because mustache wax keeps the hairs themselves out of your mouth.

Plus the waxy coating is a layer of protection for the hairs.

Remember to Clean and Groom

Last but by no means least, if you do get food and drink in your beard, be sure to wash it well and groom properly. That means cleansing with a refreshing beard wash and then brushing through it with some conditioning beard oil. I mean, these are a must when you have a beard at all - but they’re even more vital when your food attacks your face foliage.

And that’s what you can do when eating with a long beard. If you still have problems, message us here with the details and we’ll be sure to reply and help you out.

Bon appetite, brother!

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